Interview Answers: Your Guide

• What are your best attributes? Honesty, but I have a feeling you're not going to find that to be much of an attribute.
• Why are you better than other candidates? That’s a fucking stupid question. I have no idea who your other candidates are.
• Why are you interested in us? That number with the zeroes at the end.
• Tell me about your most recent position? You don’t want to know. It was boring.
• How do you cope with working under pressure? I start telling people to fuck off.
• What kinds of people do you like working with? Young topless ladies.
• Can you give me an example of when your work was criticised? (be prepared for the next one of how you coped and the outcome). I told them I really didn’t give a toss. The result: I was fired. I coped by selling my car for readies.
• Give me an example of when you felt anger at work? (and how did you cope and still perform a good job?) I once got a web-chat pop up from someone demanding that I do something for him right that instant. As he wasn’t my boss, I went to his desk and biffed him one, and then carried on doing whatever it was I was doing. This was probably searching the web for pictures of Scarlett Johanssen or somesuch.
• What kind of people do you find it difficult to work with? (take care! You won’t know all about the staff at the company at which you are interviewing). Anybody who makes the mistake of taking themselves and their job too seriously.
• Give me an example of when you have had to face conflict of interest at work? The times when my boss decided to fire me. I felt that this conflicted with my interests at the time, but in the long term...we all die.
• Tell me about the last time you disagreed with your boss. The numerous times that he or she decided to fire me. However, more recently I have learned to call him or her a c*** under my breath and then to pretend to do the work they’ve asked me to do while searching the web for pictures of Scarlett Johanssen.
• Do you prefer to work alone or in a group and why? Alone, because you can get away with doing naff all.
• What are you looking for in a company? The petty cash safe.
• How do you measure your own performance? Has she suffered la petite mort?
• What kind of pressures have you encountered at work? The pressure to stop looking for pictures of Scarlett Johanssen and do some work.
• Are you a self-starter? Give me examples to demonstrate this. Do I look like a car? And that was a movie you idiot, called ‘Herbie’. IT WASN'T REAL.
• How do you feel about working long hours? What, do you mean during work hours?
• Give me an example of when you have been out of your depth? Never!
• What have you failed to achieve to date? My hopes and dreams.
• Which part of this role is least attractive to you? Where do I start?
• Why do you think you will like this role? There’s a monthly pay check.
• Where would you like to be in five years? Nobody has 5 year plans besides deeply creepy politicians. Do you know what the devil does with plans?
• How would your work mates describe you? Utterly professional at all times.
• What would your references say about you? Whatever I tell them to, or else!
• What reservations should I have about you as an employee? (weaknesses) why the hell would I tell you?
• What do you do in your spare time? I write eulogies about the company and my bosses.
• What five adjectives would you use that best describe you (both in and out of the workplace)? E.g. goal oriented, attentive to detail, team player, competitive, hard working. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.
• Most people say they are "people focused". When are you not? Why? Firstly, only empty headed HR dollies wearing too much make-up and are incapable of any independent thought say they are ‘people focused’. I am most particularly not people focused when the people in my line of view are ugly.
• When have you worked outside your immediate field of expertise? What expertise? What problems occurred? None as far as I am aware.
• What new lessons/skills have you learnt (sic) and put into practice in the last 3 months? Interview technique.